The Great Departure.

Dear devotees, please accept my obeisances;

All glories to Shrila Prabhupada and Shri Shri Radha Govinda Deva.

Jaya Shri Shri Nityananda Gauranga!

Jaya Shri Jagannath, Shri Baladeva, Subhadra Maharani Shrimati!

I hope to find you in good health and spiritually inspired.

Some days ago my dear disciple - Omkrishna Mataji - left the body and this mortal world and headed for the supreme eternal abode of Shri Krishna.

The two sons, daughters in law and grandchildren attended to her all the time in high spiritual consciousness, lovingly and with devotion.

Besides being herself a sincere devotee, Omkrishna Mataji had the great blessing in this life to live in a family of special devotees, all of them very dear to me.

One of her sons was next to her at the very moment she passed away, and has accompanied and sustained her by chanting uninterruptedly the Holy Names.

My most fervent prayers go to this disciple so dear to me, who was always cheerful, playful and joyful, who was so moved every time we met, and I’m also asking you to pray for her too.

I pray she can soon play happily in the company of Lord Krishna and His eternal companions and friends.

With deep emotion,

Matsyavatara dasa

How to build up constructive and lasting relationships. By Matsyavatara dasa (Marco Ferrini)

People suffer for not being able to bring harmony in relationships and at the same time tend to start new conflicts due to their conditionings. There are more people suffering from relational difficulties than people suffering for the wars or for epidemics and, on the other hand, good relationships are the biggest patrimony we can build up for our well-being; and this doesn’t cost anything. Experiencing peaceful and tension-free relationships is the very basis for building up relationships set on a shared system of values and lofty principles. These are the grounds, while the top of the structure is made up of common purposes and of the mutual reliance on the fact that nothing can ruin the relationship anymore, not even the hardest trials or difficulties, because we don’t bring forward any suspects, doubts, misunderstandings, but, on the contrary, estimation, affection, love rule the relationship. The duration of a relationship is not the only principle on which we can judge its quality. What really makes the difference is a constructive and developing attitude.

On which basis should we found our relations?

The human being is struggling between his impelling need of freedom and harmony on one hand, and the strings with which he constantly binds himself through his bad choices, on the other. It’s a terrible paradox: we wish we could be free and happy, but we continue to bind ourselves through our own actions. For this reason human relationships are that difficult, and only few people are able to manage them at the best. Our personality is on the way: we build it up trough our decisions, one after another, and for this reason it’s essential to learn how to act with a clear consciousness. In this growing process of harmonization, our willpower has a central role. If we manage to use our willpower properly we can understand the great truth the rishi convey to us: the difference between being and not-being, between life and death. The worst suffering is caused by a situation of struggle between opposites; if we experience this situation inside ourselves, we can’t help bursting it out even outside, on our relationships with the others. Contraposition tears. It’s an engagement to make our opposite parts dialogue with one another: it implies the wish of becoming disciples of enlightened guides, because if we continue to judge people and situations from our limited subjective perspective, we will never be able to cross the threshold of our limits. In the Bhagavad-gita Krishna explains that the one who relies on Him with faith has an unbiased vision. This equanimity is the essential presupposition to cultivate good relationships. Samah darshinah is “the one who has an impartial vision”. Darshana is inner vision, the only one that allows us, despite the differences we perceive externally, to join us to the essence. Differences refer to immanence. Equanimity is the natural impulse when we experience the transcendental dimension. Even more, in the Gita Krishna says: “The one who sees everybody inside Me and Me inside everybody, is extremely dear to Me”: this is the very basis of equanimity. In the origin nobody is, from an ontological point of view, good or wicked: everybody is good. The one who has a vision which transcends time, loves the spiritual essence of any person, without disregarding the personal historical experience of that particular individual in order to understand how to relate with him at the best. Another essential element to keep good relationships is having a bent for forgiveness. The one who feels offended by the mistakes of others, often going wrong in judging his own responsibilities and those of the others, isn’t able to build up harmonic and deep relationships. If you don’t practise a spiritual discipline, you can easily mistake an ant for an elephant or vice versa, while a wise person isn’t prone to distortions; on the contrary he is an expert in the art of all arts: forgiveness. We are conquering our own freedom when we practise forgiveness in all circumstances, when we forgive small as well as big mistakes. If we learn to forgive small mistakes, step by step, we will be able to forgive even big mistakes. Another important ingredient to build up healthy relationships is the ability to understand the peculiar characteristics of the others, accepting the diversity. To do this, first we have to know ourselves deeply. In relationships concerning love we should not burn out the stages: we need to act gradually. Prudence is the life of relationships. Step by step we should try to identify the elective affinities which link us to the others, the only ones which can connect us deeply. Excitement makes us move jerkily and makes us experience the hell in this world, being unable to weigh what are the right decisions to take. Without an orientation we experience an everlasting anxiety. If we act frenetically, we lose a far-sighted view, while the control over our impulses is the essential basis to recover harmony within ourselves and with the world.

FAMILY, PARENTS AND CHILDREN (Part 2/2) by Matsyavatara dasa (Marco Ferrini)

Nowadays, most of people hardly consider family as a sacred entity but rather as a kind of limited liability company that can be broken up at anytime on the basis of an economical agreement. Abortion, betrayal and divorce as a result of a free and irresponsible sexual behavior, has become an ordinary practice. By dreaming of such an illusory freedom, this idea of moral degradation is mistaken for emancipation. Parents work hard to provide for the increasing pseudo demands required by a consumerist culture. On the other hand it is a negative attitude for the youngsters, who suffer the lack of education and the lack of a leading example from parents. Children education is always more often delegated to strangers and to the media. According to the traditional Indovedic culture, the family (griha) is one of the four evolving stages of human path towards liberation, with the final aim to offer affection, protection and education to its members. The traditional family used to be a solid institution because it was built on the strong ethical and spiritual principles. The family members included grandparents, parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, cousins. Responsibilities and roles were well defined and used to be learnt since childhood. Social values included respect for civil laws, respect for the elderly, for the sages and love for God. The Creator, the world and all creatures, human and not human - all had the right to exist in their own earthly and cosmic dimension.

In a family only the parents had the decisive role to raise the kids. Teaching is efficient in relation to the strength of the model. Only highly-civilized parents, at the same time strong and loving, loyal to everybody, correct and generous, would be able to inspire their kids to behave in the same way.

At the time of Indovedic civilization, young people used to attend the guru school until the age of maturity. At school they used to be educated to a spiritual life by accepting family responsibilities. They were encouraged not to get married until recognition of their spiritual, social and ethical maturity by the guru, which was essential in order to begin a family life successfully. It was highly recommended not to take the role of a parent if a person resulted unable to facilitate spiritual and human progress of the children, and by means of complex liturgies, to facilitate the post-mortem journey of the elderly people in the family, by helping them towards a final liberation.

In a traditional family the father is the social-spiritual guide, he teaches with the example, he provides for the needs of the family members and protects them from any danger; he educates the kids and helps them to choose the spiritual master who will give them initiation (diksha guru) and who will gradually guide them towards their divine and luminous nature and their relation to God. A woman is brought up since early age to develop the virtues to succeed in the family life, cultivating qualities like: kindness, welcome approach, patience, faith, loving cooperation with the husband, children care and care for the guests and the household. A wife, besides being a generous and loving mother with her own children, is an indispensable teacher and the most intimate assistant to her husband too. Therefore she is loved and respected as a queen (Rig-Veda X.85, 20-47) by all the family members. On the other hand, husband is educated to take care of his wife by providing all she needs according to one’s possibilities, but most of all by helping the spouse in her spiritual growth, teaching with his own example. According to the Vedic tradition wife is treated as the better half of the husband’s personality and she knows that she cannot reach liberation (moksha) without fulfilling her duties to him and the family. A husband is aware not be able to evolve unless he takes care, from a human and spiritual point of view, of his family which depends on him. Job, prayers, food, relationships, weddings, birth and death rituals, the whole family life is seen as a series of activities aimed at a spiritual consciousness purification and development, until man can achieve the pure feeling of love and devotion to God (bhakti-yoga). In this traditional context the home is like a temple and the family is like a community permeated by spirituality: it is a tribute to devotion where man rejoices in serving and praying God; it is a place to lead a pure, simple and holy existence. Children’s education becomes the main purpose of parents so that the kids as adults would be able to organize their life successfully. Nothing is left by chance: delivering and raising of children is regulated by religious rites (samskara) with the aim to sanctify the path of their existence. In the Sanskrit language “son” is called putra, which means ‘the saver who redeems the consequences of failure’ (literally the word pu means hell). A parent who spends energies for the spiritual education of the children will gain as many rewards as those obtained by people who made every kind of sacrifice (yajna), austerities (tapas), pilgrimages (dharma, tirtha), donations (dhana) and study of the Veda (svadhyaya). A great sage who lived in India 2.300 years ago, Canakya Pandita, in his famous work about ethical behavior (Niti-shastra) taught that children have to be treated sweetly until the age of five, have to be taken care of firmly until the age of fifteen and treated as friends for the rest of their life. By speaking reproachfully to the kids in their late teens, if they did not receive a proper education and did not develop a sufficient awareness of their responsibilities, of the esteem and affection towards the parents, such behavior would make them enemies. The sage Canakya said that to have kids with no devotion for God and who do not study the sacred science, it is like having blind eyes, worthless accessories that cause only pain.

In our days social conditions have got worse so much that many people fear to create a new family; they do not trust one another and worry for the future; they fear betrayals, challenges and wrongdoings from the family members, they worry for a tormented life. However, considering the huge and objective difficulties that, nowadays more than ever, people have to face when starting a family, the one who is not willing to give up dreaming to become husband or wife, father or mother, should know that, in the modern society a constructive alternative to family life has not been created yet. All the attempts to try a different approach turned out like painful failures. If the family as it appears today does not look reliable, if husband and wife do not trust one another, if the parents and kids look at each other with suspicion, what to do then?

As human beings we suffer from our limits, but we ought not to forget our divine matrix, it is better to ask for the Lord's mercy and follow the path of spiritual progress so as to destroy unconscious conditionings, for the harmonization of our personality and the elevation of our consciousness, in order to improve the relationship with ourselves and with the others, the perception and visualization of superior levels of reality. With an enlightened consciousness it is so possible to organize the family and social life without phobia, anxiety, gradually structuring habits and human relations according to the model of universal values given by the sages of all times.

About procreation

Before making a decision on whether to give birth to a child, it would be necessary to check a series of preconditions from a physiological point of view; good health condition and age are important. By consulting a gynecologist the parent will receive all the necessary information.

Physical fitness is very important, but even more important are: tendencies, inclinations, emotions that build a good, steady and harmonious character, with qualities that inspire trustfulness and serenity. With opposite psychological conditions, consequences would be unexpected.

Far more important than a psychological state is the genuine vocation to motherhood, that means: self-abnegation, hospitality, carefulness for the others, inclination to assist, to feed, to cure, to teach, to correct, to provide for the ordinary needs knowing that this commitment will last at least thirty years for every child, a time long enough to spend with serenity, joy, dedication, perseverance and sense of responsibility.

A specific background is required for pregnancy. The house is the container, the family is the institution, the economical tools are the necessary resources, but nothing of this, although indispensable, is itself sufficient. The feeling of love is an essential quality that each parent should convey to the child.

A constant attention is required for the children, an intense desire to take care, to give affection, to sacrifice oneself for a superior wellness. If mother or father has no vocation to become so, it will affect the role of being a parent and it will be a psychological disadvantage for the child.

As the Scriptures teach and as life experience points out, becoming a parent means to accept responsibilities which require an adequate preparation so as to enlighten a trustful vocation without being conditioned by social pressure.

FAMILY, PARENTS AND CHILDREN (Part 1/2) by Matsyavatara dasa (Marco Ferrini)

We are living in a particular age of rapid social and cultural changes and it is our responsibility to ask ourself whether and how delicate and essential family relationships between parents and children can endure, without missing the meaning and purpose of a basic relationship, for the sake of every person and for a human and spiritual development.

Nowadays, there are parents and children whose family structure is poor of ethical and spiritual values. Therefore we risk to sink in a ‘no land man’ with uncertain boundaries, with feelings, roles and attitudes that need to be arranged and experimented by paying a high price for human, individual and collective damages.

The influence of a hedonistic-consumerist culture, has progressively diverted the attention of the majority of people from a spiritual oriented path to a pseudo-value alternative which has deeply transformed and distorted people and family concepts.

Technology has given a strong support to science in many fields, but it has not been able to develop a similar ethical model in order to solve all those problems that new technological developments have dramatically and urgently made us to face with. Some of the problems are: a low supply of energetic and nutritious ailments, uncertainty about the use of nuclear power, finance and economy, genetic contamination. Because of old and new tensions and because of the impoverishment of a religious spirit, a wide degenerated ethical behavior has spread all around.

All this has contributed to afflict the traditional relations within a family household, in particular between husband and wife, between parents and children. By taking into account modern changes, family rights have been revised. We can think, for example, of single mothers’ rights, most of whom are very young ladies. We can also think of the increased number of abortions, or of the million drug, smoking and alcoholism addiction victims. Another clear sign of sorrow is the kid’s sufferance because of divorced parents and others who suffer from family violence. In this crazy world, the first victims are children, who are always more affected by character disturbances.

By reading these facts carefully, we cannot avoid to notice the lack of ethical and spiritual values which has been the cause of its development, neither can we avoid to notice that the family has lost the motivation of its well-being: the purpose of transcendental living. Nowadays more than ever, religion has become a formality and we call God only to demand a social wellness which has become the sole purpose of life. With such low morality, parents and children, even husbands and wives, very often show egoistic interests which contrast the spirit of the family. Therefore most of them live together for convenience, sharing an empty relationship with no sacred meaning and without a superior love. When one of the two parents, in fact, does not gain anything in return, very soon one shows weariness, lack of spirit of sacrifice and without thinking and with no regret leaves the family.

Marriage and Family (Part 2/2). Lecture by Matsya Avatar dasa (Marco Ferrini), dated May 13th, 2008

Unfortunately it is proved by several clinic experiences that ideals and values are often neglected in pathological and psychopathic families. A bossy father, for example, may block the evolution of a child for decades because of a violent leadership, likewise an irresponsible parent who wastes time fooling around may induce such negative attitude in the children, producing ill effects, which require efforts, time and suffering to be eradicated.

A preliminary, accurate education is essential before even thinking of making a family. Nowadays marriage and divorce are easy targets, but this is not a reason to think it harmless. It shows instead the sign of a degrading society. Although we can appreciate the good sides of modern society, it is also important to see the wrong doings, the stains, the incongruities, the paradox, the abuses: like considering abortion a civil right which is not, as the child is not given the right to live.

A proper education is required to get married and live marriage as a real success, lasting through time and in harmony, favouring the evolution of our own and others’ personality. A woman should be given the right education to become a wife and a mother, the same as a man to become a responsible husband able to fulfil his role, giving shelter to his wife and children. Nowadays there are no schools to teach this job, or at least they are very rare. There is a lack of culture on this topic and there are no models or living examples to inspire a correct way of thinking, acting and caring for our affectionate relationships; again, such models are very rare to find.

Once again, marriage is not about choosing a man or a woman; it is the choice of a husband or wife in order to build a family. Marriage implies procreation and procreation implies education, being aware of the psycho-spiritual laws which rule the world and the life of each human being. Education means loving continuously, caring for the children, helping them to achieve positive and developing results, so that in the future they will also contribute to spread a message of Light and Love.

Parents should never act without love, without the wish to correct and lead towards perfection. A smack given in a state of passion is highly destructive and those who are abused violently will not be able to become good parents in the future.

Children are a vital part of marriage; getting married with no intention to have children is not recommended. Canakya Pandita explained that a marriage without children is like a desert. Children are of vital importance to strengthen the union of a couple for a noble cause, that is giving education and values to the children. In so doing, the need of love and to be loved is brought to a higher level than that of a mere sensual and passionate attraction. If it is not overcome and sublimated to reach a deeper feeling, it will become otherwise the cause of anxiety, contrasts and unbalance in the relationship. A mother who holds a baby to her breast, may completely satisfy her need for affection in a constructive and evolving way; this works also for a father who takes care of his children, trying to give protection, shelter and affection to the whole family.

The education to provide for the children ought to give them protection in life against dishonest tricks, and most of all favour their ethic and spiritual evolution. In any case the greatest way to teach is not by verbal speech but by personal example. It is not necessary for the children to know in theory their parents’ lessons, rather they need to see them applied in life. A real parent is not only the physical parent, but also the producer of his conscience: his duty is to inspire, educate, give shelter.

Rishabhadeva explains to his children: do not become a father, a mother or a spiritual master if you are not able to release your family from the suffering of conditioned life. We cannot force our will on others, but we can offer a model to be proud of. A family certainly requires an economic plan to satisfy its material needs: they are not the only, nor the most important ones, yet they cannot be ignored. If one is single, he or she may take care of oneself without any further obligation to society, but a person who has a family and children cannot follow the same logic. It is also important to consider that people who lived on their own for a long time, are not easily willing to accept a different kind of mentality.

In order to understand if we are really fit for one another it is suggested to verify it for a few years, not as a married couple, but within a period of time, long enough to make a test. There is a fundamental realization of the substantial difference between complementary and elective affinities.

The spouse is not just a shoulder to hang on to or a rescue remedy to loneliness, and of course it is neither a casual friend, one among a number of friendships. It is a person to share a life with, based on a serious and deep union consisting of noble values. Today society promotes an irresponsible way to create couples and family relationships, which kind of society will then be there for our children in the future? Which kind of world will it be? They praise the principle of sense gratification and meanwhile they paralyse true justice and freedom. Abuses and disruptive activities are made legal, but what is said to be legal is not necessarily right. If you meet someone who could become your possible partner, learn to study and observe that person accurately, and most of all try to imagine him or her as the father or mother of your children. Do you see this person: active, protective, responsible, able to give good lessons and teach well, most of all with good examples? Do you think that with the help of this person you could face life crisis, such as: economic difficulties or health problems, or you consider him or her not to be ready, not well aware, with the tendency to avoid responsibilities rather than handling them with courage and maturity? Learn to be well aware of the difficulties originating from an authoritative partner, a despotic father or a jealous spouse who sees competitors and danger everywhere. Younger couples are likely to face some dangers, but developing a certain level of maturity is required to divert dangerous situations without becoming paranoid. Women and men who live with uncertain moral principles or with a low level of responsibility have to modify such attitudes and personality features trying to improve ahead of time, not just once the decision of getting married is already made.

A family education program should include these considerations, and many more to be made with a more accurate analysis.

Family could become a good instrument for evolution, but it needs to be based on healthy principles, in relation to the deeper and more spiritual instances of the human being, beside ordinary daily necessities. If a person is not interested in evolution, has no transcendental aims, he or she may of course satisfy any private ambition, change partner every six months and fulfil personal goals in life which temporarily satisfy the ego, but do keep in mind that the number of people who commit suicide is increasing out of proportion, precisely among those who develop that type of mentality.

The battles we win for our and others’ real wellness give us strength, self-confidence, deep and long lasting satisfaction, we do not gain anything if we give them up for selfish purposes. We ought to trust high values and stick to them in order to overcome any difficulties. By surrendering to our own and others’ weaknesses, we give credit to an ill belief: “I cannot do it ….. I am worthless” and, following such bad forecast, disastrous prophesies will come true.

Making a family is not compulsory, to be a father or a mother is not a must for evolution; a person may have made such an experience in previous lives and may have reached a level of awareness so as to adjust life and grow up without the need to fulfil that kind of social duty. For those who decide to make a family, it is important to take onto themselves this responsibility and keep well in mind the purpose of a family, which actually is ending the need for a family.

The target is to release ourselves from attachments and exterior needs, to develop affectionate and spiritual autonomy, therefore husband and wife ought to help one another for the sake of their union, on the grounds of gratitude and mutual self-esteem, rather than on an emotional and psychological dependence.

The aim is not to repress love, rather to elevate our ability to love and be loved, stretching it progressively so as to become universal. In fact the necessity to exchange fulfilling affection and feelings is not granted by marriage, it will depend on our ability to transfer and live love on an even higher and more conscious level. A family is to be consumed and I say it with no lack of respect, nor with the intention to downgrade the institution of the family in itself; I mean that its function is to bring to full maturity and realization, as though it were a real sacrifice, developing wisdom, wellness and benefits to all family members.

Beware of the damages caused by betrayal and unfaithfulness: these light up the fire of passion and increase the attachment to new partners and fantasies, acting as an impediment to the spiritual and ethical ascent, and their influence is even worse on the children’s welfare.

The wish to make a family – with the right motivations – is a noble desire, it is a responsible choice, the same as the path of renunciation, whose practise also requires to take responsibilities, in order to mature and be able to give and receive affection and love. The path of renunciation does not mean giving up love, on the contrary: such choice implies learning to love everybody, being aware that each human being has a common spiritual root.

In conclusion, looking back on history: before the last two or three generations there was never a time without worthy models for humanity to aim at: the hero, the mystic, the gentleman, etc. On the contrary they now try to wipe away any noble, moral principle: we are living the era of the self-made man, the man who can make up for his own living and then becomes drug-addict, depressed, restless because of conflicts, lack of self-esteem and dissatisfactions, which can even lead to suicide. Who is the icon of the television media? The soccer player, the showgirl, the successful singer, the money-faced fashion designer who can no longer live without drinking or sexual perversions. Unfortunately young people are clutched by those false stereotypes whose lives seem easy, but how much suffering, self-commiseration and desperation is hidden behind those lives! The outlook is a cheater. True success is made of continuous and serious efforts for the achievement of positive and evolving purposes. Those who live this level of consciousness remain active, productive and creative even as years go by. In history there are outstanding examples of people such as Goethe, who wrote the Faust in his eighties, or Jung, who in his late years composed his biography “Remembrance, Dreams and Reflections”; or other wise men and Masters like Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, who in the late years of their life accomplished wonderful projects for the benefit of humanity. To be young or old does not depend on the date of birth: it depends on our life-style, on our priorities, on the quality of our motivations and the dedication we apply to the pursuit of our targets. If we live to develop Wisdom and Love, we get younger with the time passing by.

Every one has to ponder on the nature and purpose of marriage and on their personal choice of social status, observing one’s own attitudes and tendencies, because what is good for one person may result ill or even damaging for another person. Both choices, either to get married or not, are worthy; it is up to us which path to follow, and live it with consistency.

Marriage and Family (Part 1/2). Lecture by Matsya Avatar dasa (Marco Ferrini), dated May 13th, 2008

Family, marriage, children represent inseparable elements which compose a complex situation, and their dissociation is the cause of heavy mistakes, bearing discomfort and suffering as a consequence. Our intention is to explain this complexity according to the Shastra: Indovedic psychological thinking and philosophy texts, in relation to the teachings of Masters who have lived and realized the principles of Tradition, yet considering the cultural, social and psychological contaminations of our degraded era. It is not easy to release from the pressure they exert on all aspects of our daily life, they strengthen antic tendencies and bad habits that we assumed in the pursue of wrong doings to ourselves or others.

Those who wish to get married ought to consider well some decisive features, the most important one being the level of responsibility of the person we choose as partner; indeed such responsibility is not to be measured in words, but most of all in facts, observing the deeds and the personal history of the subject. The level and the quality of responsibility that we are allowed to take and maintain in course of time are of vital importance for a successful marriage.

Marriage means children and bringing up children implies education, therefore a long, complex and absorbing commitment, which nowadays means at least thirty years of constant care and assistance. Making decisions on impulse, resulting from not sufficiently elaborated passions, and indulging in the wrong attitude to accept or deny the husband or wife without a proper preliminary evaluation, does not appeal to the mentality of those who wish to live in wellness, which necessarily means “well-being”.

Faithfulness is not a secondary quality required in marriage, it is the first priority for both, the man and the woman. It is a life choice.

Although there are cases of men and women who separate and get married to another person, this should not be a common phenomenon, as it unfortunately occurs nowadays. It rather ought to happen occasionally, an exception based on strong motivations, not depending on a superficial attitude, weakness, vulnerability or fragile love, or due to a wrong process of evaluation and choice of the spouse. If the mind is not trained to make a deep analysis and is carried away by impulses that rebel to the conscience, it will endure in the mistake to switch from one object of desire to the next and then yet another.

Those who show such tendencies and features, lack the sufficient maturity to start a married life.

Chastity is an essential value in marriage, it is a duty for both wife and husband, although there are people who laugh at it because they believe the sensorial dimension to be the only one that matters. Nowadays many believe that those who practise chastity suffer from inhibition or brain-washing. Who is forced to brain-washing? Those who believe that life is limited to the expression of the senses and say: “enjoy it all while you can”, or those who spend life working on their own development as persons on the physical, psychological and spiritual level? Those who choose the latter engage in a discipline which neither represses nor denies the satisfaction of primary desires by intimidation, but turns them into higher emotions and activities as a natural process, an evolution step by step.

Loving is a need to be fulfilled indeed, the same as the need to love and be loved, but in order to satisfy its demand it is necessary to understand the best, appropriate and beneficial approach. Talking about a life-style without loving and love, sounds like terrorism made to kill the core of the person; it would be a threat, as though being forced to a diet without the supply of food. Exchanging love is an essential psychological process, likewise loving is a natural Spiritual propensity. Success in love depends on the authentic meaning of Love, on the conscious belief that it cannot be separated from the cosmo-ethical Order which controls the life of all creatures: the psychological, reciprocating law which connects our every action to its corresponding influence on our conscience, by which whatever we do to others is given in return, either good or bad, because our subconscious acts as a big and infallible receptive instrument – it records each of our physical and mental movement. For this reason the Upanishad recites: if you act badly you will turn to evil, likewise if you act well you will turn to goodness.

If you live your affectionate relations and feelings in a foolish way, first of all you damage yourself and as a consequence others, because the concepts of faithfulness, loyalty and love are ruined in yours and others’ eyes. Children brought up in an unhealthy household become the victims of confusion, unstable feelings and lack of loving; and it is well known that the damage may even grow and get always bigger. A family should not be a casual association, a way to cover up a mischief such as an unexpected pregnancy or simply an escape from the fear of not wanting to be alone. A family is like a Mission – if that is the choice – it requires all our best energies and consistent dedication, taking marriage as an instrument to improve ourselves, to mature and develop affectionately, psychologically and spiritually. Of course the experience of a family is not a must for everyone to reach self-realization: getting married is not an obligation, it is rather a choice to be made according to one’s own inner needs and personality features. History brings the example of spiritual people with bright lives, who – having already specific understandings and experiences – were able to follow with satisfaction the path of renunciation and that way they experienced self-realization.

Everywhere in the world we witness ill ecological conditions, heavy or pathological behaviours, and even terrible mischief is treated legally. However in history there are some schools and traditions– high examples of wise thinking and spiritual wisdom – that show us noble methods to make our passage in the world a developing journey towards freedom from attachments, favouring the evolution of authentic knowledge and genuine Love. Indovedic traditional Masters of psychological and spiritual teachings not only teach concepts and healthy models of thinking, most of all they give concrete examples of developing behaviours, which can enlighten human actions in the world, in affectionate-sentimental relationships, in professional skills and in every other aspect of living.

Family Matters (Part Four) - By Matsya Avatara Dasa (Marco Ferrini)

Spiritual Lovers

Question: Wife and husband should be seen more like spiritual friends or more like "spiritual lovers"? What is the difference between the two?

If the spiritual is authentic both definitions are synonymous. But only if it's authentically spiritual, because today it is a fashion to say spiritual: "Oh, today I got to know a very spiritual person!", but often people don't know anything about the dimension of the spirit. I remember, years ago, I had so much discussion on this with one person. I had to rebuke and correct him so many times. Slowly, slowly, he stopped. He had friends―some poets―that he considered spiritual but who were actually conditioned by everything: by tobacco, by alcohol, by scurrilous language; they were very conditioned. What a distorted idea of spiritual! I have explained and re-explained to him the definition of spiritual―five, seven, ten times―and it seems that lately he has grasped it. But the idea of spiritual is generally very vague, therefore it’s better to further clarify.

Let's analyze the category that indirectly emerges from your question: if the two, instead of being spiritual lovers, are carnal lovers. Then they are known as grihamedhi, which is different from grihastha. The distinction is that for the grihastha the fundamental goal is spiritual realization, while for the grihamedhi the aim is to get a beautiful wife or a handsome husband and enjoy each other. (Of course we know that it's only an attempt and than there is the other side of the coin.) These are the two categories. We have to make this essential distinction: does the person want to get married to increase his or her own potentialities of enjoyment, or does the person―in this case a sincere spiritualist―choose another sincere spiritualist in the form of the other gender to have a companion for the journey of spiritual realization?

Therefore we have two categories: those who pair for enjoying life better and those who unite for reciprocal help in self-realization. We exclusively deal with the second category; the first category is dealt with by sexologists, psychologists and other researchers. We are concerned only with those who try to have a family as a suitable, propaedeutical instrument for spiritual realization. The single man and the single woman may think, "By myself I can't make it." They may think that they are not yet ready to live as brahmacari or brahmacarini. Therefore, they look for a person with whom to walk a section of the path together, understanding from the beginning that the aim is to help each other to obtain liberation, to obtain love of God.

In this category―the grihastha―there could be some short-circuits at times, because the body is there, the senses are there, and the karma is there. Therefore by being close sometimes they find themselves too close and at times there might be exchanges of affection surpassing the level allowed in the shastra. I would say that this is not a tragedy. Some people have made a tragedy of it but then they themselves created tragedies many times greater than this. Probably I won't be acclaimed for saying what I am saying but, in all conscience, I am taking full responsibility and I have solid arguments to support my theses.

Going Beyond the Conditioning of Modern Culture

The information of the media―which the mass misinterpret as progress and emancipation―doesn't stimulate at all a 'positive' process of liberation and emancipation of the human being, but an indiscriminate consumption, which only profits the great financial and industrial groups. The disposition of modern man is to be lenient, to be accommodating with the weak side of his character, to let one's own bio-psychic impulses and the external influences dominate his personality. Even if superficially he appears original, spontaneous and self-assured, in reality he is an off-centered and fragile individual, because of being hetero-directed.

Control doesn't mean repression or suppression. Repression involves an irrational fear (taboo) that impedes the elaboration of psychic energies, which are mostly unconscious. Rather, reasonable control consists in governing the energetic manifestation, with the objective of utilizing those same energies for a constructive goal. Among the innumerable examples I could make I limit myself to the case under exam: the transformation of the sexual push into a satisfactory rapport of love, process that for years I have defined from Eros to Love.

In other words, through using a well-trained willpower, it's possible to control the bio-psychic energy through reason (Logos). This control is the opposite of repressing or suppressing one's impulses, as it can produce the transformation of the egoistic-destructive pushes in ecologic energy, beneficial to the individual, the collectivity and the environment. This process is defined transformation and sublimation.

The same principle applies to inhibition. The modern psychological literature―especially the one of Freudian school―has incorrectly attributed a negative connotation to the vital psychic function of inhibition. Evidence of the erroneousness of such idea is provided by scientific research in physiology, which has amply demonstrated that inhibition is a normal neurological function to better govern the organism. On the psychic plane also, to inhibit doesn't necessarily mean to suppress, but to apply a temporary brake to a reaction of the conditioned consciousness, in order to reflect on one’s behavior. To reflect means to activate the intellect, the buddhi, and to deliberate with emotional detachment on the present event without being overwhelmed by one’s urges. Inhibition is pathologic when used stubbornly, non-critically, but it is therapeutic when propaedeutic to sublimation: "One who is able to withdraw his senses from sense objects, as the tortoise draws his limbs within the shell, is to be understood as truly situated in knowledge" (Bg. II-58).

A person who lives the traditional values (sacrifice, work, saving, honesty, family, religion, etc.) doesn’t maximize commercial profit. To obtain maximum profit financial companies need to transform man in avid consumer, because to realize profit they need people to buy their products. Maximum profit for capital invested is given by a person who works to the maximum of his psychophysical capacity and consumes to the maximum of his financial capacity. The worker who is content leading his social or family relationships based on religious values and behavior is a bad consumer. He yields little, because to realize oneself in that way costs little or nothing and consequently doesn't push the individual to work to the maximum of his capacities. Similarly, the chaste girl who doesn't go out at night to have fun, the faithful wife who stays at home, the monk and the priest produce very little commercial profit. There arises therefore the need to create the consumerist, who seeks pleasure and entertainment, who seeks an individualistic, materialistic actualization and who frees himself from all the factors that could have inhibited such evolution, spending in goods and services whose sale produces profit. Modern culture achieved this by demolishing those ethical and social values―or motivational vectors―that checked the establishment of consumerism. Modern culture promoted liberation from duties, sexual liberation, blameworthiness of prohibitions, devaluation of the family and of family roles, emptying of religion, relativization of ethics and of authority. It created innumerable new personal fancied wants―essentially responding to the need of the industry to sell and gain: divorce, fashion, designer clothes and accessories, hankering for status symbols of every type, from classy cars to vacations in particular places.

Family Matters (Part One) - By Matsya Avatara Dasa (Marco Ferrini)

I believe that family life, the grihastha ashrama, is a theme of universal interest. Some will get married and some will not, some will have children and some will not. But also those who don't get married and those who have already surpassed this phase of life will greatly benefit by knowing the basic dynamics, the rapport of weights and measures, the values of family life in the Vedic-Vaishnava civilization. In the past so much damage has been done by people―who had no positive experience in this area―who tried, disastrously, to handle the life of others. Therefore those directly involved in family life―as well as those who have to come in touch with those directly involved―should know about the fundamental principles and values on which family relations are based. To know such fundamentals of the grihastha asrama is an integral part of spiritual realization, not because it's in itself something spiritual, but because it's a social organization propaedeutical to spiritual realization. Even those who renounce family life for a more elevated aim will always be in touch with those in family life. Directly or indirectly everyone is interested in family life, either because one is married, or because one plans to form a family, or because one has brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, or parents in family life. In this way this ashrama is fundamental and is not completely avoidable even for those who desire to live as brahmacari―a very noble commitment and intention.

From Krishna's point of view there is no difference whatsoever between brahmacari ashrama, grihastha ashrama, vanaprastha ahsrama and sannyasa ashrama. These are four positions or stages of life in which one places oneself for self-realization. The goal of life is not to become sannyasi or brahmacari, or to become grihastha or vanaprastha. The goal of life is self-realization and this time we talk of the grihastha ashrama because in this phase many people complicate their problems and their relations. Many people have therefore proposed alternative arrangements to married life but they all have been appalling disasters. Family life is certainly the most complex stage in terms of interface with the world. One has to deal with economy and with a whole series of connections and relations―sometimes extremely difficult―such as children, parents, brothers and sisters.

Delivering One's Dependents

Question: In the Fifth Canto of Shrimad-Bhagavatam Rishabhadeva states: “One who cannot deliver his dependents from the path of repeated birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worshipable demigod.” [SB 5.5.18] Could you comment?

We can't force anyone to go to the spiritual world but we can honestly take the responsibility of doing whatever is possible to help a person to untie his or her karmic bonds. It happened that I had to advice people in debt. Their real problem is not the debt with the bank or with somebody else; their problem is their behavior and their mentality, structurally wrong. If someone in a moment of generosity would pay back their debts, they would continue to incur in debt anyway, because insolvency is ingrained in their character. They do things in the wrong way and produce debts. This is similar with karmic debts; it comes from the same source: errors inside, a deformed mind.

This statement by Rishabhadeva means that we should do our best to rectify people's mind. Diseases, for instance, are other types of debts but the dynamics are the same. There is no such thing as good and bad luck; what exists is the way of doing things, the mood, the quality of the mind and of the intellect. We have to analyze the vasanas, the latent desires. When the latent desires are negative, the negative eventually comes out. Someone may accumulate money and not make economic debts, but the same person may make debts in his relations; he might create enemies left and right, and those are extremely heavy debts. Other people are very capable in the field of relations but whatever they do and touch ends in disaster. These are also debts. Therefore the shastra teach that we should control the senses, for life becomes risky when even a single sense breaks free.

Have you seen the dependence of the smoker, who surreptitiously gets away to go and have a cigarette? Have you seen the character-deformation of an alcoholic, or of a cocaine-addict, or of a gambler? They live in great suffering and with great internal conflict. The gambler knows that he is destroying his life and the life of those around him. Well-equipped casinos had a room with a notary ready to write the will and where the loser could shoot himself, could commit suicide. Gamblers know that gambling is bad; they cry and bang their head into the wall; they know that by playing they ruin themselves and their families, but it overwhelms them. Similar dynamics are there for the women- or men-hunters, the assaulters of others' purity. Therefore we should educate people to control their senses from childhood. This is what Rishabhadeva is saying. And one must have self-control himself, otherwise how can he educate others? How someone who smokes can tell another to stop? So Rishabhadeva says that one who assumes the responsibility for others should be able to guarantee them liberation―guarantee it from his side―but they are not wood-heads, they are not automatons; they can choose. Everyone has to endeavor, but the leader should educate others to be free from the conditioning of the six degrading impulses: the urge to speak, the mind’s demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals. In this sense the husband, the father, the mother should be gurus, even if they don't know the sacred science in depth.

Pull quote: We can't force anyone to go to the spiritual world but we can honestly take the responsibility of doing whatever is possible to help a person to untie his or her karmic bonds.